Your FREE daily counseling session…

Whenever you feel like you have it bad, maybe you don’t know if it’s worth going on. Just think, it can always be worse. Take a look at these and make yourself feel better!

I 116% want this!

DRINK DRIVING…

… using a phone, using your feet to steer, trying out your new autopilot invention. All things that the law frown upon and  are classified as dangerous driving! These are nothing compared to the perils that come about from bbc coventry and warwickshire and local radio in general! It is possibly the dullest thing ever and acctually nearly caused me to doze off. The first feature was a man describing the ins and outs of dressing like a victorian which was soon followed by a feature which asked the question what is better a cat or an airoplane (!) This genuinehad an old man giving us a live tour of an airoplane museum over the airwaves (no pun intended). I image he looked a bit like this from the knee down:

 

 

 

 

 The sport section comprised of live snooker commentary. The jist of this was “he is trying to pot the red… he did it”

If this doesnt send you to sleep and wrap your car around a tree then it will make you want to drive off a bridge. I would like too see the statistics for local radio related road traffic accidents or even fatalities. The world is a safer place without local radio.

Come to think of it this does acctualy bring about the question; Why didn’t I change station?

A mans guide to surviving the close season

If you are like me and are not sure how you will cope with out football every weekend here are a few Ideas to get you by:

1, Spend some ‘quality’ time with your girlfriend. If she is not aware it’s the end of the football season DO NOT tell her as you can gain mega brownie point which can be redeemed for pub/ match time when the season starts again.

2, If you do not have a girlfriend get one. A kind of a distraction theory. You will not be too worried about the lack of football when you are snuggling in the cinema and txting her how amazing she is. By the time the season comes around , say 9 weeks, the novelty of a new girlfriend will have well and truly worn off and you can focus back on the football.

3, Move to Russia, Choose a club to follow over there as the football season continues all through the summer!

4, Spend the spare time designing/ building a time machine. You will never need to witness a close season again! Might make a bit of money aswell if you sell your creation to apple.

5, Hibernate, time goes quickly when you are asleep!

6, Go to the cricket, wear your football shirt, watch it like Poznan fans do with your back to the action, close your eyes and it could pass for a match at the emirates. Repeat each weekend.

7, Watch DVD’s and season reviews of your clubs successful seasons and pretend you don’t know the scores.  You can guarantee a succesful season then!

8, Lobby the FA for A 365 day season but change the rules so the players get a week off at christmas. That would justify some of the wages.

9, Create your own country, you can then run that country’s FA and make the season whenever you want, you may have some issues importing your club into your new country but to be honest I would focus on the making of a new country first.

10, Sit in the corner of your living room rocking back and forth grasping the sky remote in one hand and football rattle in the other watching sky sports news on repeat. Hysterically counting down the seconds untill the charity shield kicks off!

Think the website needs a bit of work.

I quote “a professional finish every time” Shame as much effort wasnt put into the website!

Its up there…

…with question’s like “Whats the meaning of life?” and “Does God exist?”. Well for me anyway. I often find myself pondering the same question but never get any closer to an answer. Well here’s the question:

“If you were a tramp would you choose to be homeless in a posh fancy area or one which isn’t as nice and a bit grim?”

There are a few sides to this argument:

My first thoughts were that in a posher area, such as Mayfair, you might get given more money and it is a much nicer area to be which might also perk you up a bit when feeling glum. A no brainer right? Hold your horses! I dont know if economics is high on the priority list of tramps but surely saving money is, and for this reason I propose being homeless in a less affluent area. In a poorer and less glamorous area you may not get as much in terms of spare change quantity but things like a cup of coffee, food would be cheaper and most corner shops do the 6 cans of red stripe for a fiver deal. Would this leave more disposable income in the hands of the homeless? or would it all be proportional? Also I feel people in a less affluent are may be able to empathise more and result in greater acts of niceness. Saying that if you were media hungry and wanted to make it as  an ‘it-tramp’ the posher places are the place to be.

I thought I had an epiphany when I came up with the idea of the tramp commuting. He cold busk in a posh area and spend the fruits of his labour in a cheaper area! Genius! But no, if you had to get a bus or tube that would already put you at a loss for the day and walking might put extra wear and tear on the shoes which aren’t cheap to replace.

All I can say is that I hope this doesn’t happen to me as I’m not sure I would be able to decide, moral of the story; Try not to be homeless, it’s more complicated that it seems.

I am a man of simple pleasures…

… and this is definitely one!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whilst we are on the topic check this trailer out:

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/tv/3569619/Keith-Chegwin-stars-in-horror-film-being-unveiled-at-Cannes.html

No way!!!!!

How have I not noticed this before. This is too good to be an accident!

Traffic Report: tailbacks on the A5 at Hendon…

…due to a mobility scooter hogging the middle lane!!

NEW FEATURE! English place names that sound like willies (or just rude)

Drove 4 and a half hours to Middlesbrough at the weekend for 2 hours then came straight back. Along the way I saw a few funny place names, the first on the list is the best I saw and the others have been researched:

1, Hampole       2, Brown Willy       3, Cock and Bell Lane        4, Upper Dicker

5, Dicks Mount      6, Balls Cross       7, Mincing Lane      8, Willey

9, Titty Ho      10, Wetwang      11, Fanny Hands Lane      12, Bell End

Top 10ish reasons why I am proud to be english!

1, Bucket Hats

2, Sunburn

3, Beer Bellies

4, ‘ollidays in Spain

5, Blind faith regardless of constant sporting failure, well we invented them!

6, The Women

7, Classy home-made tattoo’s (of children’s names/boyfriends past or present)

8, Binge drinking

9, Proper Grub! (none of that foreign muck)

10, Soaps

11, Clinging onto the fact we won the war and so nothing anyone does or achieves now matters!

12, The weather

13, Snow is lethal I must not attempt work!

14, Reminiscing about the fact I can remember when a mars bar was 25p

In these times of austerity…

With raging frontline public cuts and government funding being slashed causing the now somewhat cliché “economic squeeze” it is good to see the vital necessities are being ring fenced and protected! NO VAT increase on lap dances! Take that establishment!

A selection of moustaches… Just to brighten your day.

COOL!

Todays winners and Losers

Things I ‘Like’ and ‘dislike’ this week.

Like:

• Dad Jokes, the classics are always the best. “I used to work in a paper shop… ’till it blew away!”
• Student Copy and paste errors, I.E. An assignment including a section in French!
• Dogs dressed up like super heros(!) see below:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dislike:

• Hand Dryers… Whats the point? Has anyone ever dried their hands on these?! They just move the moisture arround.
• The feeling when you get home and you flick to channel 4 and the simpsons end credits are on… gutted.
• Forgetting Ch4 has a +1 so you can watch it at 7!

Erm, Not sure this would have sold too many!

Bob Monkhouse “Exposes Himself” say no more…

My Lamebook Contender

Even his GF got involved!!

Is incest bad Mr. Google?

I was on goole t’uther day and started typing “is it…” when these sugestions popped up. Check the top one:

I heard that is in the top 96% of all google searches in Herefordshire.

Thumb Man™ Strikes Again!

Here is the original:

Here he is photobombing us last week:

Intentional?

Right, I was on kings road the other day doing some shopping when this I saw this shop!

Class!!!

Possibly the worst moment of my life…

You know when you get winded, cant breathe, gasp for air, wonder what is going on, think you are going to die?

Well this is much worse! I was in a pub in queens park when I noticed a rather attractive blonde stood at the bar! So I pointed this “piece” out to my compadre. Imagine my utter shame, horror and devistation when it turned out to be Pete Burns from dead or alive!

Sorry dad!

This weeks winners and Losers

Things I ‘Like’ and ‘dislike’ this week.

Like:

• Free stuff – In a shop/bar ordering something and the person forgets you are yet to pay hence a free pint or box of pineapple juice!
• Chocolate joy – The moment of pure Extacy when eating a kit kat and you think you have finished but look down only to find there is still a finger left in the pack!
• Mothers day – Well the fact I remembered it. I am amazing!

Dislike:

• Children – Mainly the ones that scream at each other next door at 7am. stupidshits!
• Virgin –  Not the innocent untarnished religious pre marital types but anyone who is involved or work for virgin media, you truly are the scum of the earth.
• Injuries – In relation to david beckham, best bloke in the world, I would sell my soul to be him ( well maybe in the rebecca loos era)

Please, Please, Please

Go on youtube and subscribe to this guys channel, what a fruit loop!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EY39fkmqKBM

British defence league showing their intelect.

Does anyone else see the irony?!?

FAQ

Looking to tranfer my TV licence the other day and whilst browsing the FAQ’s i saw that towards the toop of the the most commonly asked questions on all things TVlicence!

Surely this is not a big problem?!?!

First thing on my mind when looking for a TV licence!

Optimism or…

… a great idea for John Terry to save some cash satisfying his numerous romantic relations now he has lost all his sponsorships!

A guaranteed way to quit smoking

I promise you this will work!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/02/02/exploding-cigarette-cause_n_445865.html

0800 783 9994

This is the number for the national turkey helpline. Funded by the British Turkey Foundation. Advice on how to cook, store and average prices. Never a waste of money!

‘Elite’ Athletes

A humorous compilation of athletes in the OLYMPIC GAMES and WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS… Must have cocked something up somewhere. I hear a rumour Rick Waller is competing for Team GB in 2012 for the heptathlon, not bad for a man with the same fat percentage as a pork scratching!

A perfect gift

Right, searching for a funny christmas present and find this. Looking at product information and it is a bit cheaper second hand!!

A strange predicament of morals!

I popped into the disabled loo quickly today as I was too lazy to use the normal ones (The disabled ones are always much more luxurious). Anyway, as I was in there I heard someone try to come in so I listened and It was a disabled kid in need of a toilet to match his needs! A wave of terror passed through me, I can’t have his helper see me come out of the disabled loo after making them wait when the normal toilet is next door. Its like taking a disabled parking space when you don’t even have so much as a limp! What does one do…?!

…So I decided to be silent, sit it out and hope they would think it was broken or something and use another toilet.

25 minutes and 3 games of poker on the iphone later they decided to leave! At that point I ran out and fled around the corner, desperate not to be seen!

I’m not sure what is worse, being seen exiting a disabled toilet to be greeted by a disaproving look or shake of the head, or, the knowledge you have deprived a special needs kid of the toilet and a possible damp spell for the next half hour. I don’t quite know why im sharing this but it seemed an odd moral predicament to be in.

Oh well my conscience is clean! Moral of this story, don’t take what isn’t yours!

Polish Fashion….or lack of

I know the Polish get bad press for their fashion disasters i.e. double denim, red trainers, Kappa Tracksuits etc.

I was looking to ignore this stereotype but on a recent visit they have done themself no favours. The fact these shops are still flourishing speaks volumes:

Another popular fashion shop is aptly named ‘EVA MINGE’

‘Nuff Said

On my Ipod; Christmas Special

OMG!! I LOVE CHRISTMAS MEGA LOADZ! and to prove it here is a count down of my top 5 crimbo songs!

1,Last Christmas- Wham

2, Jonah Lewie – Stop the cavalry

3, The Pogues – Fairytale of new york

4, Santaclause is coming to town – Jackson 5

5, Stay another Day – East 17

Today’s Winners…

Things I like this week:

-CHRISTMAS!!! Tacky Christmas stuff everywhere! god I love CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

-GET STUFFED taxidermist. What a good name, cant remember where it was now, in the same vein; hair stylist named CURL UP and DYE! LOLING HELL

-RYANAIR they are brilliant! £0:16p to get to Poland and back all-inclusive! Who cares if they want to make you pay for the bog!

This week i am not liking;

-CYCLISTS: ooh look at me Wr eco warrior with my high viz vest and ill fitting lycra shorts thinking im a pro and all road users should bow before me and can’t be assed to stop at red lights, stupid stupid people. Here’s a tip have a few pints and ride your stupid bike home… without a helmet… i dare you!

– WORK I well is gealous of them people who won about a bzilion pounds on the Euro millions.

– LAZY IDLE POSTIES, This should be short lived as they all will be out of work as people decide not to use them because they are too lazy. Lets see you fight the reform when you are out of work!!

OMFGSHOP!

I stumbled across this shop on a walk to camden the other week.

 

One shop you wouldnt want your kid seen in!

Funny Engrish LOLZ

We decided to go to the pound shop and buy lots of toys to play with yesterday. There is obvious reasons these toys are a quid! Check the chinese translations/ spellings!

What I learneded today

Some things I learnt today that you can/ cant do:

 -A cab driver is supposed to ask each of his passengers whether they are carrying diseases such as smallpox and the plague’. A driver is allowed to urinate in public, as long as it is on the rear wheel of the vehicle with his right hand placed on it.

-There is still a law that requires the commanding officer of a Royal Navy ship to hand over a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London when entering the Port of London.

-It’s illegal to drive or conduct cattle through any street between 10am and 7pm

-Beat or shake a rug in any street in the Metropolitan Police District Though you can shake a doormat before 8am.

-Die in Parliament

-Enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour

-Shag in Epping Forest

-Be drunk in a pub

-Dance In some Pubs

-Go into Space

-Wash your clothes in the fountains in Trafalgar Square

-To blow any horn in public Unless you are a guard or postman

-Gamble on public transport

-Impersonate a Chelsea Pensioner

–

F>A>C>T

Cheers mate but, erm, no thanks!

 As you may or may not be aware Ramadan has been and passed  this year. To celebarate the breaking of the fast and Eid, one of the african muslim securty guards brought loads of food in for staff to eat. I understand his heart was in the right place but seriously….

Competition Time…

We went to thepub last night. When at the pub we saw scrabble. We played scrabble. My friend ended up with these letters:

unlucky.

any words you can make from this? Answers on the back of a postcard!

Best marketing ever!!!!

Sign outside a local Italian restaurant! Nuff said!!

Gazza’ Breakie

Upon a tube journey home after a night out i read this article in the daily rag.

Gazza woke up at 11 an and managed to sink 6 pints in 2o minutes! This is some achievement and was witnessed by a female student he had befriended.

I have analysed this data and graphically translated it into a sophisticated table. This truly puts the achievement into context:

Mind the lap!

I’m afraid i can not take credit for this. It was kindl donated to me by  Mr. Carl Palmer of caralpalmerphotorgaphy.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was taken on the district line. The only issue is you just have to decide what constitues “busy” enough to just sit on someones lap. Aparently my judgement was worng.

Kilbrn Exterminators!

An exponentioal explosion of fun at 29a last saturday night. 4 comrades with 1 mission: Catch the mouse! We devised this cunning “trap” in order to snare the vermin…. Needless to say it didn’t work.

P.S. the brown stuff is peanut butter, I think we were ill informed that mice like it.

Why I believe my students endevour at college

Upon browsing Jobs I noticed this… Possibly the worst/ best job title ever!!

Why Leominster is better than London.

Upon visiting my home town I went for a walk up tobircher common. I was then violated my some extrem hardcore fly sex! So I took a picture. Not suitable for people of a nervous disposition or people who are easily offended!

Get this car!!

I was in cornwall for a football match this weekend when I walked pass this car. It needs no explaination…

What is this world coming to?

Here is a case to rival theories such as evolution, natural selection and any theories of learning! Who is not able to wash their hands without a poster with 16annotated diagrams? And if you are not able to then you probably should not be washing your own hands for fear of drowning!

Friends Toilet

This picture is from norway, If you want to sit on the toilet people are free to come and use the urinal next to you. This is being modeled by yours truly, giving a thumbs up to an imaginary friend (he is using the urinal).

 

Ooohh?

I erected a table tennis table today, these were the spare parts left over then i “finished”. Hmmm?

I should hope so

As i’m sure you’re aware the new football season is upon us. I went to purchase a spanking new pair of boots today, the eve of my first match of the season, to find this writen on the box.

Thankfully I had 2.

Another Classic…

…taken from those epic win guys at failblog.org

Proof of my failed education

It occurred to me the other day that i tend to drop a few multi syllable words fairly frequently into sentences in order to make me seem slightly more academic. The problem is nine tenths of the time i have no idea what they mean, for instance:

-Juxtaposition (what the hell is that)

-unmitigated (opposite of mitigated?)

-Rudimentary (some school age?)

-Vernacular (seriously no idea!)

-Loquacious (??)

–Hippopotomonstrosesquippediliophobia ( I know what this means – fear of long words!)

I use all of these words at least daily. It just sounds good throwing them in a sentence from time to time. Sounds like i make sence!

PLEB!

SLap A Da BAss Man.

Seriously this is the funniest thing in the world! Prepare to be rushified

Back with a vengance (and a skin rash)

Wow… So I have just got back from thailand and have many a good story to share. Lets strat with this wonderous piece of marketing. Lost in transtlation I believe!

 

OMG! I cant believe I have not posted this already.

I seriously dare you not to laugh… It gets beter every time. I have watched this 1143213 times and i still laugh every time! Moral of the story… Be careful what you wish for!

This may change your life…

Top 5 instruments in the workplace to use to spread pate on a cracker if you have no knife…

1, Finger

Get to suck the pate off after as a little bonus.

2, Bank Card

Beware of bits that get stuck in the indentations!

3, Coleagues Pencil

Not everybody enjoys the woody after taste. CAUTION: May contain nuts.

4, Post-it notes

Can get messy.

5, Plastic Fork

Allows for a better spread than its alloy cousin but can get pate particles trapped between tongs.

Todays Winners…

Things I like today…

– Sweet Chili Sauce

-Drunk people dancing in night clubs thinking and pretending they know the words to a song so instead just mouth something that they feel they think is somewhere near! LOLZ!

-Funny looking Thai money

Things I don’t like today:

-Banana ketchup

-Wannabe philosophical quotes such as “Its the imperfections that make us perfect” and the like. A double hate for if they are posted anywhere on a facebook profile!

-Night buses from clapham!

Nervous?

God the poor lad! funny though! Stolen from fail blog.

Todays Winners…

Today I like:

-When saying goodbye; standing far enough away from someone you have not long met for the first time whilst their other friends give them a hug goodbye. Meaning you know you only have to wave, smile and mouth “goodbye”, without even the thought of an awkward should I give them a hug or just shake hands or just say bye?!!’ In other words awkward social situation evation tactics!

–Jumping on the cricket bandwagon, I have no Idea but now we are winning I am coming out with phrases such as “wow, what a colapse of the middle order.” and ” look how its starting to turn, regardless that was a real captains knock!??!!

-Starbucks Chai Tea Latte!

Not enjoying today:

-People having birthdays when I can’t afford them! Selfish people!

-Girls feeling the need to openly post a message to any friend on facebook stating “My god I f#*king love you missy! Miss you Babe!!xxx” Surely no need, they only live down the road!?!!!

-Swine Flu is starting to get on my tits.

Introducing… PEARL HEENAN… A true Hero

Seriously, If you dont laugh you have no soul!!!

One of the prouder moments of my life…

Yet another record broken. Seriously i did clear that building. Video courtesy of Padraig.

Man In Hole

Watch and Be Prepared To “lol” your little hearts out!