Category Archives: Uncategorized

DRINK DRIVING…

… using a phone, using your feet to steer, trying out your new autopilot invention. All things that the law frown upon and  are classified as dangerous driving! These are nothing compared to the perils that come about from bbc coventry and warwickshire and local radio in general! It is possibly the dullest thing ever and acctually nearly caused me to doze off. The first feature was a man describing the ins and outs of dressing like a victorian which was soon followed by a feature which asked the question what is better a cat or an airoplane (!) This genuinehad an old man giving us a live tour of an airoplane museum over the airwaves (no pun intended). I image he looked a bit like this from the knee down:

 

 

 

 

 The sport section comprised of live snooker commentary. The jist of this was “he is trying to pot the red… he did it”

If this doesnt send you to sleep and wrap your car around a tree then it will make you want to drive off a bridge. I would like too see the statistics for local radio related road traffic accidents or even fatalities. The world is a safer place without local radio.

Come to think of it this does acctualy bring about the question; Why didn’t I change station?

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A mans guide to surviving the close season

If you are like me and are not sure how you will cope with out football every weekend here are a few Ideas to get you by:

1, Spend some ‘quality’ time with your girlfriend. If she is not aware it’s the end of the football season DO NOT tell her as you can gain mega brownie point which can be redeemed for pub/ match time when the season starts again.

2, If you do not have a girlfriend get one. A kind of a distraction theory. You will not be too worried about the lack of football when you are snuggling in the cinema and txting her how amazing she is. By the time the season comes around , say 9 weeks, the novelty of a new girlfriend will have well and truly worn off and you can focus back on the football.

3, Move to Russia, Choose a club to follow over there as the football season continues all through the summer!

4, Spend the spare time designing/ building a time machine. You will never need to witness a close season again! Might make a bit of money aswell if you sell your creation to apple.

5, Hibernate, time goes quickly when you are asleep!

6, Go to the cricket, wear your football shirt, watch it like Poznan fans do with your back to the action, close your eyes and it could pass for a match at the emirates. Repeat each weekend.

7, Watch DVD’s and season reviews of your clubs successful seasons and pretend you don’t know the scores.  You can guarantee a succesful season then!

8, Lobby the FA for A 365 day season but change the rules so the players get a week off at christmas. That would justify some of the wages.

9, Create your own country, you can then run that country’s FA and make the season whenever you want, you may have some issues importing your club into your new country but to be honest I would focus on the making of a new country first.

10, Sit in the corner of your living room rocking back and forth grasping the sky remote in one hand and football rattle in the other watching sky sports news on repeat. Hysterically counting down the seconds untill the charity shield kicks off!

Its up there…

…with question’s like “Whats the meaning of life?” and “Does God exist?”. Well for me anyway. I often find myself pondering the same question but never get any closer to an answer. Well here’s the question:

“If you were a tramp would you choose to be homeless in a posh fancy area or one which isn’t as nice and a bit grim?”

There are a few sides to this argument:

My first thoughts were that in a posher area, such as Mayfair, you might get given more money and it is a much nicer area to be which might also perk you up a bit when feeling glum. A no brainer right? Hold your horses! I dont know if economics is high on the priority list of tramps but surely saving money is, and for this reason I propose being homeless in a less affluent area. In a poorer and less glamorous area you may not get as much in terms of spare change quantity but things like a cup of coffee, food would be cheaper and most corner shops do the 6 cans of red stripe for a fiver deal. Would this leave more disposable income in the hands of the homeless? or would it all be proportional? Also I feel people in a less affluent are may be able to empathise more and result in greater acts of niceness. Saying that if you were media hungry and wanted to make it as  an ‘it-tramp’ the posher places are the place to be.

I thought I had an epiphany when I came up with the idea of the tramp commuting. He cold busk in a posh area and spend the fruits of his labour in a cheaper area! Genius! But no, if you had to get a bus or tube that would already put you at a loss for the day and walking might put extra wear and tear on the shoes which aren’t cheap to replace.

All I can say is that I hope this doesn’t happen to me as I’m not sure I would be able to decide, moral of the story; Try not to be homeless, it’s more complicated that it seems.

Facebook….

… really is becoming a pointless waste of time. I am going to invent software that can recognise a boring status and eliminates it before it is set on the facebook community life an affliction. You get 3 strikes then a lifetime ban. To emphasise my point and the desperate need for my invention, here is what I have learnt from facebook in the last hour:

  • 17 people have informed me its sunny.
  • Someone is on a train
  • A kid I went to school with is having a party (im not invited)
  • “OH SHIT!”
  • 43 people “feel like crap”
  • 15 people hate work
  • 3 have a holiday in 2 weeks
  • 7 have uploaded yet another picture of their dog and informed me of how cute it is.
  • Someone had dinner
  • 2 people are off work and “Luvin it”
  • 3 are never drinking again
  • 1 is listening to music
  • 3 people “need to stop bitching and making up rumours”
  • 1 person will never love again.

If you are going to post a status i want it to be as interesting, profound and educational as this: “Lost t shirt, lost wallet, pissed the bed, I mustv been drunk”

POINT MADE

5ive. Unsung(no pun intended) musical heroes.

During the Afore mentioned road trip, we purchased 120 hits of the 90’s. A 6 C.D. classic with all the songs that didnt cost too much to license their inclusion. During the 500 minutes of 90’s classics It became aparent to me what masters of the english language 5 were. Here are a few examples of particularly good wordsmansmith.

“Like Janet my reaction’s hard, I’m addictive, Better lock your kids in im Coming to your area” Everybody Get up

Now I’m the bad boy That you invite for dinners Ain’t got no manners Cos I eat with my fingers. Everybody get up

Na na na na na nah Na na na na na na na nah (Repeat 4x)                                                 Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, Na na na na na nah Na na na na na na na nah
(Repeat 4x) Got the feelin’

I’m on the microphone, got you hot like the sun. Got the feelin’

Your boobs that is, as I slide up and down. Well lets flip it side to side
We’ll take it slow then fast for a funky ride. Sex you up

yippee yo yippee four quarter slam, everybody grab a party and just get on down. Slam Dunk da funk

What, what c’mon. Perplexin’ as I wrecks the decks. So checks the flex my potential sex. I bring the funk to your necks check it. Serious

NEW FEATURE! English place names that sound like willies (or just rude)

Drove 4 and a half hours to Middlesbrough at the weekend for 2 hours then came straight back. Along the way I saw a few funny place names, the first on the list is the best I saw and the others have been researched:

1, Hampole       2, Brown Willy       3, Cock and Bell Lane        4, Upper Dicker

5, Dicks Mount      6, Balls Cross       7, Mincing Lane      8, Willey

9, Titty Ho      10, Wetwang      11, Fanny Hands Lane      12, Bell End

Top 10ish reasons why I am proud to be english!

1, Bucket Hats

2, Sunburn

3, Beer Bellies

4, ‘ollidays in Spain

5, Blind faith regardless of constant sporting failure, well we invented them!

6, The Women

7, Classy home-made tattoo’s (of children’s names/boyfriends past or present)

8, Binge drinking

9, Proper Grub! (none of that foreign muck)

10, Soaps

11, Clinging onto the fact we won the war and so nothing anyone does or achieves now matters!

12, The weather

13, Snow is lethal I must not attempt work!

14, Reminiscing about the fact I can remember when a mars bar was 25p